Hedwig: Behind the Beautiful Plumage
by Florean Fortesque
Summary: A peek into Hedwig's secret diary reveals she is not as happy as she might appear


July 31, 1991

Dear Diary,

I used to think that the most unpleasant way to be woken from a deep slumber was the squeaky, irritating voice of excitable children. ("Wow. Mommy look at this one! It's pretty and white." iBrilliant observation, fool of a child. Something I'm sure your unlucky mother would not have known had you not shouted it right in my ear./I) But the barbaric creature whose face I woke up to this morning makes brainless five-year-olds seem like right little angels. The beast's face was almost entirely covered in hair, and the bit that wasn't revealed a gaping hole that I assumed to be a mouth.

The monster studied me for a while. He attempted to speak, but succeeded only in producing a series of unintelligible grunts, in the process showering me with spittle and bits of food. iGet away from me, savage. Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get this coat clean/I

"So that's the one you want, Hagrid?" iNo. This beast can't actually be thinking of taking me away from here./i

The monster grunted again in recognition. He stood up from his knees and extended a massive hand toward my cage. iTouch me, and I swear on the my life that I will peck you to death./I The next thing I knew my cage was lifted off of its shelf and was brought swinging down to the giant's side. I proceeded to lose my footing and fall face-first into the metal bars of my cage. iBe gentle, you great oaf. I'm beautiful./I

After adjusting my feathers back to an acceptable state of fluffyness, I noticed that my cage had changed hands. I was now being swung carelessly about by a young boy, who was not, as I had originally thought, a sack of dirty laundry with a head. iGreat. First the ogre and now a bothersome little devil-child. What next? A dog/I

Immediately after we left the comfy darkness of my home, I realized that if Hell existed, it was this place. Bright, hot, loud, and smelly. And by a complex law of physics, every unwashed little toddler within four miles of me happened to be staring at the door we emerged from. "Oh look at your owl! It's so pretty! What's it's name? Can I touch it?" /IGet you grubby hands away from me you filthy little freak. And take a shower while you're at it./I

After suffering two minutes of these monstrosities shoving their dirty hands through the bars of my cage, I decided that it would be in my favor to feign a deep sleep. I shoved my head under my wing where I could be sure I would not be disturbed. I could hear the boy telling passerby that I was sleeping, and that I should not be disturbed. /iNot be disturbed, you selfish prat? You're the one who's taking me who-knows-where in this Godforsaken cage./I

Following a few more minutes in this loud, smelly alleyway, I heard a door open and a bell ring, and the noise dropped to a tolerable level. I allowed my head to venture out of my wing briefly to check where I was. The monster-man was sitting in a spindly chair, and the boy was standing next to my cage. I could only see his pant legs. I tucked my head quickly back under my wing, lest somebody else come in and see me.

"Good afternoon," said a voice in the corner and my cage hit the ground so quickly that I could not longer pretend sleep. iWhen I get out of here I'm going to properly teach this boy how to handle a cage./I

I think it was at about this point when I really did fall asleep. When I awoke I was in my cage next to a window in a small, dark room. The boy was asleep next to me. iDon't tell me I have to live here. It's absolutely filthy./I I hooted loudly a number of times, wanting the boy to let me out of my cage. He didn't wake up. I think I'll bring him a few dead mice. That will teach him to lock beautiful owls in cages.

Before we continue, it is important that people know that there is an ancient magic law that binds magical creatures to their owners. It is similar to the law concerning house elves in that no matter what the animal thinks of their owner, they must serve them loyally. An animal can only leave its master if it is ordered to leave or if the master dies.

August 3, 1991

The master-boy has started calling me Hedwig, a name that suggests that I belong on the shiny head of a bald human. My hatred of him is steadily growing. The mice seem to have no effect on him, though I have brought him one every night. Tonight I will look for one which has been dead for a few nights; I don't think the first three carried enough bacteria to inflict any lasting damage.

August 5, 1991

My cage is getting dirty and the master-boy does not seem to notice. All he does all day is sit on his bed and read stupid books. iJust forget about me, you incompetent fool. Because remember, beautiful owls like dirty cages./I Jerk. Two week old mouse carcass did nothing. Will hide dead beaver under pillow.

August 6, 1991

Note to self: Make sure next beaver has rabies.

August 7, 1991

Note to self: The master-boy is immune to rabies.

August 31, 1991

I was woken up early today. The master-boy locked me in my cage, still dirty, while he paced around across the room 4,197 times. Every step jarred my cage unpleasantly.

An ugly, obese man threw me unceremoniously in the back of their smelly metal monstrosity, and proceeded to pile the master-boy's suitcases on top of my. Unsurprisingly, the cage landed upside down. Here I was, shut away upside-down in the hot, dark, stuffy little compartment. My cage and everything around my began to shake. Lightly, but enough to annoy a beautiful creature such as myself. iStupid, selfish master-boy. Is it too much to ask to give a beautiful owl what she wants/I

Just when I thought that death was inevitable, the continuos rattling reached an abrupt halt. Seconds later, light flooded in between the suitcases above my cage and I was temporarily blinded. When I regained my sight, I saw the master-boy reaching down to retrieve me from the pile of luggage. But as soon as I was set on a cart next to the metal monstrosity, I discovered that the clanking, clambering, human-infested situation I was now in rivaled the unbearableness of the stuffy dark place I had just left.

Big metal things roared into the station, people boarded them, and they roared back out. iIf you put me on one of those, master-boy, dead rodents will seem like playthings compared to what you'll be getting./I The master-boy pushed the cart around, with seemingly no idea where we were headed. People stared at me as usual, and I went back to my usual fake-sleeping tactics.

The cart halted for a few moments, and I tried to catch a few snippets of a conversation that the master-boy was having with a woman who I'd never met before. But the station was so obnoxiously loud that the only words that I could overhear were "...walk straight at the barrier..." and "...you'll crash into it, that's very important..." iOh master-boy, I'll kill you./I

The cart swung around, and started moving forward again. iThat's right, master-boy. Listening to that crazy woman will get you nowhere./I The cart began to pick up speed. iNow master-boy, I don't think it's necessary to get away from her so quickly./I But when the cart didn't slow down, I ventured a peek. I saw the wall in front of us moving toward us at an alarming speed. iGAAAAAAAAAAAH/I

I shut my eyes and braced for the impact. But there was none. I peeked out again through half-shut eyes. We were in a different station now. One of the loud metal things, a red one, was sitting in front of me puffing smoke through a chimney on the top. iWell, maybe this won't be so bad after all. This machine looks somewhat tame./I

After a few moments the master-boy wheeled the cart over to the big red machine and carried me aboard. It was nice in here. Cool and dimly lit. He left me in a compartment near the door. The cool air was relaxing. iHey, I could get used to this/I

It was then, I think, that I fell asleep. A while later, a don't know exactly how long, I woke up to see the master-boy sitting in the compartment with a very handsome red-haired boy. I must have dropped off almost immediately after that, and when I woke up I was sitting outside the train at a new station. It was nighttime and a grotesquely ugly, frog-like creature was unlocking my cage and squeaking directions to a place he called "the owlery." I was too busy vomiting at his repulsive appearance to listen much to what he was saying.

The other owls took off and I followed them. It felt good to stretch my wings after many cramped hours in my cage. We flew over an impressively big castle, and the owls leading the way took us to a cavernous tower in the corner. This tower, which I took to be the owlery, was empty apart from rafters running every which way from wall to wall. There were a number of ratty barn owls already here and sleeping, and all of them looked like they had seen better years. iGreat. Ugly roommates. I hope it doesn't rub off on me/i

I am anxious to know why I have been brought here. What purpose I wills server for the master-boy. It obviously isn't just to look beautiful, because nobody seems to appreciate that about me anymore.

September, 2, 1991

The owlery is not at all pleasant. Overrun by old, ugly barn owls. They keep to themselves mostly, but annoy me with their ugliness rather than noise. I had better not have to stay here long.

September 3, 1991

Offensive old man came in with offensive old cat to clean up offensive droppings. The offensive man is forgiven for his appalling nature by the sole fact that he is cleaning house for me. But I will revoke my tolerance of him unless he washes his hair, if you can call it that. The cat looks delicious.

September 4, 1991

Offensive cleaner-man failed to wash his hair, which now resembles a sort of lizard-squirrel hybrid. He is no longer allowed to look at me. To break the monotony, I followed the other owls out of the owlery this morning to see where they go. Turns out they fly into the castle to visit their masters and bring them presents. Idiots, all of them. Acting like they enjoy serving annoying little children.

I landed next to the master-boy when I saw he had food. He gave me a few nibbles of something very tasty. Very tasty, indeed. In fact, it was so tasty that when he took it away from me... I tried to kill him. Yes, that's right. I sat on his head and attempted to rip his ear clean off. The master-boy just laughed and said "Go on now, Hedwig." It was then that I saw master-boy's handsome friend watching my convulsive attack with raised eyebrows and I eased off to an "affectionate nibble." iOh master-boy. You're lucky your friend was gifted with such striking features. He can't be there to save you all of the time, I'm afraid./I

September 6, 1991

The worst day of my life. The absolute worst.

I was woken suddenly and painfully by the obnoxious grunts of the monster-man, who was standing at the bottom of the owlery and bellowing upwards. iWHAT? I thought I'd seen the last of you, you smelly, volatile freak. At least keep away from me and neither of us will get hurt./I I attempted to go back to sleep, but the monster-man just grunted louder. I opened an unwilling eye to look down at him and saw that he was pointing at me, then at a small envelope he was holding, then flapping his arms wildly.

I was drawing stares from angry barn owls and decided it was in my favor to descend from my perch and do whatever the monster-man wanted of me. The monster man looked pleased. I landed in front of him, but couldn't bear the smell and turned my head the other way. I felt a little tug and when I looked back, I saw the monster-man try struggling to fasten his envelope to my leg. iWhat the hell do you think you're doing you crazy savage? This is my leg you're touching, and their's more beauty in that than in your entire body/I

I ripped my leg away from his grasp and took flight back to the rafters. I wanted to put as much distance as possible between myself and this abusive giant. I was almost out of reach when A gloved hand grabbed my legs and yanked me back to the ground. iLET GO OF ME, YOU SICK, CORPULENT, OWL-BEATER/I He managed, holding my legs with one hand and the envelope with the other, to hold me down and attach his parcel to my left leg. Struggling madly in his clutches, I pecked and tore at his hairy face, fighting for not only my life, but my dignity. His skin was tougher than most humans', but I did succeed in drawing blood in more than one place.

When he was satisfied that the envelope was attached to my leg, he released me. Not expecting it, I fell on my head on the hay-covered ground in a flurry of white feathers. I took to the air immediately, for fear that somebody would see a beautiful snowy owl lying among straw and droppings.

Flying back to my perch I heard the monster-man grunt, a little bit more understandably now, "grumble grumble grumble take to Harry." iThat drop on the head must have done me no good if I can understand his grunts now./I I fluffed my feathers.

iHold on a minute... take to Harry? What does he mean, take to Harry? The master-boy can retrieve his own mail from me, thank you very much. I'm no messenger./I I tucked my head back under my wing, closed my eyes, and dropped back to sleep.

Moments later, well at least I think it was moments, I was awakened by the rustle of feathers as my fellow owls flew off toward the breakfast room I had visited two days before. iHave fun, everybody. I'm staying here./I At first I thought I was falling off of the rafter, but I soon realized that my wings were beating. Beating by themselves. I tried to turn around, but they kept on beating, taking me after the other owls towards the castle and the window to the breakfast room. iInvoluntary wing movement. This is frightening./i

My possessed wings carried me through the open window and to the table where the master-boy sat with his handsome friend. I tried desperately to turn back. I would not become the courier for this blistering slime ball. No matter how hard my efforts, I could not command my wings. I flew down to the table and landed graceful beside the master-boy. He took the letter from me, read it, scribbled on the back of it, and threw it back at me. iOh master-boy, if only I could control my talons. I'd wipe that smile off of your ungrateful face./i

My wings took flight again, still unbidden, and flew me off towards the window. iThis is must unnerving/I But when we left the castle, I soared away to the left, away from all of the other owls, some of whom looked at me pitifully. iWould one of you stupid twits help me/I I was being carried toward a small, circular hut on the edge of a rather foreboding forest. That hut looked run-down and weather-beaten, not fit for a creature as beautiful as myself. I floated in through the open window and landed on a table in the center of the one room.

iOh God. Not you./I The monster-man lumbered toward me with a stupid, happy smile on his face. iI should have known that this rat hole was yours, you disgusting goon./I As I was taking in my surroundings, 40 pounds of matted fur flung itself from the rug into the table, throwing slobber and drool onto everything, including myself. iEw. Please, get this unattractive mongrel out of my sight before I vomit./I The monster-man grunted something that included the word "down," and he threw the fanged monstrosity onto the floor, where it lay whining and whimpering like a dying rodent. iI should have expected no better from a creature like you. Dirty shacks and dogs, what could be worse/I

The monster-man looked at me. "Get on, then." He grumbled. I waited for my wings to pick me up and carry me back to the owlery, but they never did. I hopefully attempted to move my wings, and to my surprise, they acted as I willed. I took off like a rocket and flew off out the window toward the owlery.

If this is what I have been brought here to do, then I don't know how long I will last. Ugly men, angry owls, letter carrying, run-down houses, and slobbering dogs. Beauty is underappreciated.


End file.
